On Parenting

"As a parent it is our job to protect our children."  We've all heard this before, haven't we? But do we agree?  For many of us this was the parenting style we go up with, but does that make it a universal truth?  I think it is a well-meaning, but misguided belief. I believe that when we tell ourselves that our actions are for the protection of our children or for the protection of anyone else, we are fooling ourselves. The person we are protecting is ourself.

There is a line from a song which says, "your strength makes me feel less strong". Indeed. My role as a parent is not to protect my children, it is to prepare them to protect themselves, to handle their own lives, to equip them with the tools to make self respecting choices when faced with life's stressful moments and disappointments.

How do we do this? I suggest we look to the practice of medicine for ideas. We have discovered that protection from certain illnesses comes from exposure.  We need only reflect on polio or pertussis to name only a few of the many examples to know this is true. To provide protection, we must be exposed to that which we want protection from. We protect by not protecting.

A primary role of my parenting then, is to inoculate my children to difficulty by allowing for their exposure to the setbacks, disappointments and grief which occur naturally as a consequence of their own choices and actions. I must not hinder their experience of hardship, in situation or in emotion. Instead of meeting these experiences with grimacing, I can choose to greet them with grateful anticipation for the learning and growth they may bestow.