simple questions, no simple answers

I was recently at a party when someone asked me if others were accepting when I told them that I couldn't deliver what they wanted.  My first thought was, they have no choice but to be accepting.  My second thought was, do they?

To answer their question, I had to ask myself what does it mean to be accepting? What does accepting behavior look like?  To me, acceptance means surrendering to reality, no longer resisting, pushing back or trying to change it to be what one wants it to be.  This means no arguing, foot stomping, chest puffing, silent treatment, guilting, shaming, or bargaining.  It certainly doesn't include name calling, use of pejoratives or threats.

The next question I had to ask myself is how do I define reality?  Reality is not the bendable thing I have tried to superimpose on my children, the type they could alter by pushing back or by any of the other before mentioned behaviors of non-acceptance.  Those of us who grew up with such malleable realities tend to lack in adulthood discrimination between the arbitrary realities set down by a weakly committed parent and the true realities of life on life's terms.  Even if you didn't experience this, acceptance doesn't come easily.  It requires an admission of powerlessness, not an American ideal.

We grow up hearing "we can be anything we want to be," "do anything we put our mind to," "we can overcome," "nothing is impossible," and "where there is a will there is a way".  These pump you up, feel good sayings I believe to be blatantly untrue and harmful.  I postulate that we would be better served by growing up hearing that "some things we cannot change," "where there is willfulness there is disappointment," "some things are impossible" and "maturity is recognizing when to surrender".  How much more peace might we all experience with such slogan soaked psyches?

As you might imagine, there was a long pause after I was asked that original question, a pause which belied the answer I wanted to give.  The truthful answer is largely, No.  Others are not accepting when I tell them I cannot grant them their wish, and for the most part, I am okay with that now.  It is not pleasant being in the presence of another who is fighting acceptance, but I've been there and I will be there again.  I do my best to greet others in the grips of willfulness with understanding and compassion because I don't like it when life doesn't go according to my plan and timeline.  So in those moments when I am receiving their push back, I try to remember that life is not going according to their plan right now and that sucks for them.  Most importantly, I try to remember that the person whose happiness is most disrupted is the one who has not surrendered.  In those moments I am grateful that this time, it is not mine.