On traffic

As a passenger in a shuttle today, I realized that traffic jams don't bother me when I am a passenger. So I ask myself, why should it bother me when I am the driver? 

I am bothered by traffic when I am running late, as if the traffic were to blame. "If only it weren't for the traffic, I'd make it on time!" Nevermind that traffic is the norm, not the exception. 

I am also bothered by traffic when I have passengers because I am worried about their discomfort. It never crossed my mind that they may not be bothered by it or that I am not responsible for either the traffic or how they feel about it. What a relief to know that there is no reason for me to be disturbed by traffic. I can look at it as a reminder that I am not in control.

On Being Me

I was shopping in the downtown Seattle Goodwill last year, which is the biggest Goodwill I've ever seen.  The cart I was pushing had a messed up wheel.  You know, the type that doesn't spin correctly cause it has a shit-ton of thread caught up in it?  So I take out my handy plastic handled pocket knife I bought at my neighborhood corner store and start cutting away the tangle of threads.  My girlfriend at the time walks over to me and asks what I'm doing.  I tell her the problem and explain how I keep a knife in one of the zippered pockets of my purse for an occasion just as this.  She says, "That is so lesbian."  I couldn't have felt more proud.  Identifying that certain of my characteristics are typically lesbian has been a source of pride and validation.  I had no idea that carrying a pocket knife was a lesbian trait.  To me, it was just practical, but it makes sense. 

When I reflect on those aspects of myself that made me feel like an outsider, off, not quite right, and can connect those those attributes to the fact that I'm gay, it gives me a sense of place, of fitting in, that I belong.  I am proud of who I am.  I like that I can fix things, that I installed my own car stereo, that I have repaired my lawn mower and a broken clothes dryer.  I have replaced my own head lamps, brake lights and hatch lifts on my car.  I like that I can pitch my own tent, start my own fire and camp solo.  I like that I am athletic, good at math and science, and don't have to wear makeup to feel complete.  Most of all, I like that I can now fully embrace who I am.  For the first time, I like being me.

on a moment

Photographs. People. Faces. Curves. Emotion. Desires. Hopes. Losses. Captured in a still frame, a moment in time.

Move with me now. A dance. A feeling. A touch. A moment in time.

In my bed. Blue sky. Bird calls. Cool breeze. Hunger pang. A moment. A choice.

Reflections on stuff

Stuff. Stuff in my house. Stuff in my yard. Stuff in my car. Stuff in my mind. Stuff on the counter. Stuff in my room. Laundry waiting. Stuff.

Calls to return. Cars for repair. Cars to be had. Groceries to get. Fridge to be cleaned. List to be made. Meals to be planned. Stuff.

"K. I'm gonna have to use that. For recreational purposes," my son says referring to the computer and grinning from ear to ear. Stuff.

Reflections on self-respect

When I am hurt, it is because I am not accepting the other person for who they are.  I want them to be how I want them to be cause if they were, they certainly wouldn't have done or said what they did.  I set myself up by expecting others to be a certain way.  Then they act as they will, according to exactly who they are, and I am somehow offended by this.  

Truly, nothing someone else does is about me.  People do things.  They do not do things to me.  What people do is an expression of who they are.  Their actions say nothing about me, about my value or about my worthiness.  If someone does not appreciate me, it does not mean that I am unworthy of being appreciated.  If someone is not considerate of me, it speaks nothing of my being deserving of consideration.  If someone is not interested in me, it does not mean that I am uninteresting.  So why should I place such importance on their opinion of me?

Instead of thinking, Why don't they value me?  I can think, Hmm.  They under value me.  Instead of, How could they be so inconsiderate of me?  I can think, They aren't capable of treating me with the consideration I deserve.  Instead of being hurt, I can be grateful for the information that their behavior provides.  It allows me the opportunity to make a more informed choice and to demonstrate self-respect.  I show this by how and with whom I choose to spend my time and energy.  We value what we give our attention.  Perhaps I could benefit by being more thoughtful about where I place my attention.

Reflections on Anger

I heard someone say that anger is not accepting what is.  When we don't accept what is, we usually fight what is.  We try to change it which adds to our frustrations, for how often are we successful?  Perhaps we are successful temporarily.  Perhaps we have created the illusion of success.  In the end, we tend to find ourselves back where we started, angry and frustrated over the same situation.

When we fight what is, we are exerting our will over things we have no power over.  We may even plead with God to change the situation or the person into how we wish it to be.  This sounds to me like what is described in the stages of grieving as related to the death of a loved one. Perhaps this definition is too narrow.  Perhaps we ought to look at angry people as grieving people. Perhaps we can look at ourselves in the midst of our anger as a person struggling to come to accept the reality of the situation, coming to accept what is, and our powerlessness to change it into what we would have it be. 

In our disappointment, sadness is appropriate. Ultimately the purpose of anger is self protection, but when it protects us from the reality of our grief, it keeps us from accepting ourselves.

Reflections on god

You know the honeymoon phase with new music?  You've listened to the album a few times.  You're becoming familiar with the tunes.  You may start singing along to some of the choruses and certain tracks resonate with the heart of you.  You may even replay a track after it has just ended because of how it makes you feel.  You haven't really listened yet to the song but it touches something inside of you. Then, at some point, you have to know more about that song.  What are the lyrics? What is it saying?  Why does it move me so?

I have been surprised to find that it is not just the music lyrically that resonates, but additionally it is the words, the message, the story that resonates.  I think, How cool is that?  There is part of my consciousness that is listening and processing this sensory information without my directing it to do so!  It is in these intricacies of biology that I see and experience god.  Well, this is one of the ways I experience god anyway. How about you?

reflections on relationships

In a romantic relationship each partner has needs.  The difficulty comes when our partner can't meet our needs.  Letting go is hard. We recall all of the good things about the relationship and yet we cannot deny what is lacking. That is not to say that we should expect our partners to be everything we want them to be.  It is to say that those qualities we must have, must be present. All other desires are optional. 

In our heads we argue, stating all the things that are good and shouldn't that be enough?  This part of us does not want to let go.  This part of us wants this to be enough.  This part of us wants to live in denial.  This part of us does not want to be alone.  This part of us would rather accept less than what we deserve, would rather live wanting than to live alone. 

Paradoxically to stay in this type of relationship we live feeling more alone than we feel living single.  So why do we stay?  In this type of relationship we can focus on the shortcomings of the other.  Living single, we have only our own shortcomings to look at.  Perhaps this is the real reason why we hold desperately on to these lonely relationships.  We don't want to face ourselves.