Time

Time. Wide open. Empty. Ready to fill with possibilities, so much so that I am paralyzed. This is why I sit here on my brand new computer which I was forced to purchase when my old one died a few weeks ago. I've barely used it because my son is on it constantly. I have to say...Niiice!

Who knew that in five years computers had gotten so much faster and had so much more drive space?! Now I have to start saving for the next one that I will undoubtably have to purchase five years down the road, kinda like the replacement car which I have not begun saving for yet.

Did I buy or give a car to my seventeen year old daughter? Heck no. Is there college savings? Some, but it didn't come from my pocketbook. Am I saving up for the wedding she will someday have? That's a laugh. Welcome to the world of most people, Laine. God knows, it is not how I grew up. Everything was given to me. I practically had someone walking behind me sweeping up my tracks. So it surprises me, of all the high expectations that I have held myself to all of these years, why was it so easy for me to let go of the idea that parents should provide these things for their children?

Just as I was about to walk away and end this with the question, "What do you think?" the answer came to me. I was able to let this go because as an adult, I've resented it. I've resented that my parents didn't allow me to grow up, to pay my own way for some things, to mature into an independent adult. I began at 37 what I should have begun at 15. So when my daughter leaves for work on a bike or a bus I take no pleasure in that, but neither do I feel any guilt. I lose no sleep over what she is going to do after high school or how she is going to pay for it. I have complete confidence that she will find her way. She may have little money and no education, but she will be far better equipped to deal with life than I was. Nope. No guilt.